‘Loving your husband’…is the first item in the Titus 2:3-5 list of ‘encouragements’ given to the older women to teach/train the younger women. It’s an important topic with many applications to our lives. One we won’t cover in full depth, but hopefully enough to gain insight from the Scriptures, challenge our thinking, and allow the Holy Spirit to work in our hearts.
This applies to you. (Note: while Titus 2:3-5 directly applies to married women, it surely applies to unmarried women as well. If you are presently single, marriage may be in your future and you can wisely prepare for it now. Should you remain single, you can care for the marriages of those closest to you, and help to train the younger women in your life, drawing on the truth of God’s Word. Titus 2 exhorts all women to perceive the value of being mentored and being a mentor. Younger women should consistently pursue more mature women to learn from their wisdom and experience. Older women should prayerfully consider the younger women God has brought into their lives, in order to encourage and support them.)
A little background. As we study the verses in Titus 2:3-5, it’s helpful to have some background on the book of Titus and its author. Titus, the man, was a Gentile convert to Christianity who had traveled with the Apostle Paul. Titus was not only Paul’s understudy, but was his beloved brother in the faith, partner and fellow worker. After a few years, Paul left Titus on the island of Crete (off the coast of Greece) in order that he might continue ministering to the churches there. Later, Paul wrote the letter we now call Titus to instruct Titus on what to teach to the people in the churches on Crete. He was passing the baton, as it were, to a young pastor that he had discipled, had great confidence in, and for whom he had a great love as a spiritual father. The real purpose of the letter to Titus was to build strong churches that would be effective in evangelism. It focuses on salvation by God’s grace alone working through the believer’s faith (3:5-7) and the obligations and responsibilities we have as God’s children and fellow heirs with our Lord Jesus Christ (3:7). This letter is very practical and presents the kind of Christian ministry and personal Christian living that leads the unconverted to salvation. Paul knew that the saving truth of the gospel message falls on deaf ears when those proclaiming it live ungodly lives that show no evidence of redemption. God is a saving God, who saves people that they might live godly lives in order that others might also be saved through the proclamation of gospel truth supported by the testimony of transformed lives.
A greater reason. The commands found in Titus 2 are admirable, and it is
true that we experience enjoyable and fruitful family relationships when we follow God’s instructions. But the greater reason given to us to follow these commands is not for our personal fulfillment or preference, but for the sake of unbelievers – so that they may come to know the Savior.
We are to love our husbands and children, pursue self-control and purity, be workers at home, kind and submissive:
that the word of God will not be dishonored. (v. 5)
so that the opponent will be put to shame having nothing bad to say about us. (v. 8)
so that they will the adorn the doctrine of God our Savior in every respect. (v. 10)
Our conduct is a direct influence on how others think about the gospel. The world doesn’t judge us by our theology, but by our behavior. They want to see if what we believe makes a difference in our lives. Our actions either bring honor to God or misrepresent His truth. Titus 2 is about the transforming effect of the gospel, announcing that “the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men.” It heralds the news of “our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for us to redeem us from every lawless deed…” (vv. 11-14). The Gospel has a transforming effect on those who have turned from their sins, trusted the Savior, and whose hearts have been changed. One of the most compelling testimonies a Christian can give is that of a righteous, holy, self-giving life. For that same reason we are reminded that our Lord “gave Himself for us, that He might redeem us from every lawless deed and purify for Himself a people for His own possession zealous for good deeds” (2:14).
Love! Loving your Husband: The word used for ‘love’ in Titus 2:4 (Philandros) is not speaking of romantic or sexual love (which certainly have a proper place in marriage). It speaks of the committed love that godly wives choose to have for their husbands; a willing, determined love that is not based on a husband’s worthiness but on God’s command, and is extended by a wife’s affectionate and obedient heart. It means “beloved or a dear friend,” and describes the strong, deep love between very close friends. It’s tender, affectionate, passionate, and emphasizes enjoyment and respect in a relationship.
This love is given with no qualifications – these verses do not say “love your husband if he has godly character, or if he is deserving of this kind of love, or if he changes.” (Even unlovable, uncaring, and ungrateful husbands are to be loved.)
We are to train ourselves to love this way and it involves doing loving things for your husband, whether or not you feel like doing them. It involves putting his interests and welfare above your own. It involves sacrificial giving of yourself to him for his sake, not for the sake of appreciation or returned love or favor. “For if you love those who love you,” Jesus asked, “what reward have you? Do not even the tax-gathers do the same?” (Matt. 5:46)
When you sacrificially serve others, it becomes almost impossible not to love them. Where there is genuine, practical love, genuine emotional love is sure to follow.
Your own heart. Unfortunately we can gravitate toward sin and are not always prone to love or to be passionate and respectful toward our husbands. If we find that our affection for our husband is waning or has subsided altogether, we need to look in our own hearts. We have a sinful heart and where sin is present, warm affection dissipates. Anger, bitterness, criticism, pride, selfishness, fear, laziness – all vigorously oppose tender love. But we can repent of our sin, receive the forgiveness of Christ and His power to change. The more we understand the sin in our own hearts, the more we appreciate the patience and mercy of God; and this, in turn, produces an attitude of humility and mercy toward our husbands.
Charles Spurgeon once said:
He who grows in grace remembers that he is but dust, and he therefore does not expect his fellow Christians to be anything more. He overlooks ten thousand of their faults, because he knows his God overlooks twenty thousand in his own case. He does not expect perfection in the creature, and, therefore, he is not disappointed when he does not find it.
When we see our husbands as sinners like ourselves – sinners in need of God’s grace and mercy – it strips away any intolerant, critical, demanding attitude we may be tempted to have. Every husband has areas he needs to change and grow, but so do we! (An attentiveness to our own sin will create an humble attitude that is essential, especially when we need to correct our husbands.) God uses marriage to help us grow in godliness. We become more Christ-like by having to deal with each other’s sins and deficiencies.
Practical ways to love your husband
Tender thoughts – Choose to focus on your husbands many commendable qualities, instead of thinking harsh and critical thoughts about his shortcomings.
Phil 4:8 says, “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”
Prize Him – After your relationship with God, your relationship with your husband is to be your highest priority. (In Titus 2:3-5, the list of instructions for the younger women begins and ends with their relationship to their husbands.)
Woman was created to be her husband’s helper (Gen. 2:18), not her children’s mother. Certainly you are to love, care for, and nurture your children, but this love is to flow out of a lifestyle that is first and foremost committed to helping your husband. Your husband should always remain first in your heart and your care. It provides security for your children when you prize your husband above all others.
Cherish Him – This means to hold dear, care for tenderly, to nurture, to cling fondly to, or treat as precious. Be purposeful and show it with your actions!
Enjoy Him – Love him with joy and delight. We are to find great happiness in our relationship with our husbands. We should prefer their company above all others. We should find genuine pleasure in serving them, and we should take an interest in what they enjoy. (You don’t have to duplicate their interest or involvement, just understand that your interest is meaningful to them.) Invest in your relationship.
God gives us grace to cultivate this kind of love, not only during courtship, or your first year of marriage, but for your entire married life; your love for your husband can grow more and more with each passing year.
“For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” It’s one thing to say these words and another to keep them. Marriage is a covenant that bears out over the course of time, and statistically, half the time it doesn’t. Therefore, with abiding determination and love, seek to tie a knot with your husband that will not untie for a lifetime!
Think it over…
Understand what ‘loving your husband’ means.
Think of 2 of your husband’s most commendable qualities. (What do you love and appreciate about him most?)
Read the Charles Spurgeon quote above. How does a realization of Christ’s mercy to us – in spite of our sins and weaknesses – affect our love for our husbands?
What sin most commonly robs you of a tender love for your husband (anger, bitterness, criticism, pride, selfishness, fear, laziness, etc.?)
What are the warning signs? How can you ‘keep your heart’ from this sin?
Have other people or things become more important to you than your husband? Who/What are they? Why do you think this is so?
What is one way that you can ‘change your thought pattern’ in order to cultivate tender thoughts toward your husband?
Give some examples of tender thoughts you can think toward your husband demonstrating that you prize, cherish, and enjoy him.
Give some examples of loving actions you can show toward your husband demonstrating that you prize, cherish, and enjoy him.
Some encouraging words about marriage and loving your husband
From an older woman, married 52 years…
Right from the beginning remember…”it’s about the marriage, NOT the wedding!” Always remember what’s most important – your relationship with the man you married. Give to your mate/marriage generously. This relationship is the core and has great influence in your home so give it the honor and attention in your heart and home that it deserves.
Cultivate a heart of contentment. Today’s marriage mindset “wants everything now” that it took their parents much of their lifetime to achieve/acquire – that’s not reasonable. Good relationships/marriages take time, patience, and prayer – BE PATIENT!
Avoid unreasonably high expectations for your husband/marriage – it brings frustration and disappointment. You are a sinner saved by grace married to a sinner saved by grace – get over your expectations of perfection.
Marriage isn’t always glamorous, but it should be fun! 
)
“Start out as you want to go.” Determine the kind of marriage/relationship with your husband that you want to have and set out in that direction. Understand God’s purpose for your marriage, and your important role in it, and follow that path. You won’t be wandering aimlessly; you will have the light of Scripture to lead the way.
Honor your husband above your children.
Keep a sense of humor!
Guard your tongue.
Listen.
Keep a home your husband wants to come home to.
Mealtime together is important.
Discuss your finances and help keep them under control.
Limit outside activities that draw you away from your husband & your home.
Be in agreement with your husband in front of the kids.
From an older woman, married 25 years…
Understand God’s blueprint for marriage found in the Scriptures, and follow it!
Be on guard – in today’s society you must filter out so much untruth. You are bombarded by messages that devalue marriage/men/husbands. “Your happiness is of utmost importance and the satisfaction of your needs is the ultimate goal…others have the ‘problems’ and need to change – not you.” Don’t be deceived – find and follow the truth in God’s Word.
“Lord, show me – me.” We all have selfish tendencies and are blinded to the negative contributions we make to our relationships. We can clearly see how others need to change, but often have blinders on concerning our own sinful habits — others are the ‘problem.’ Humbly ask God to show you –you. Ask Him to reveal your problem areas and sinful patterns, and the ways that you contribute to the problems you experience with your husband and marriage. And with the help of the Holy Spirit, seek to make a change!
There are many different ‘seasons’ in marriage – enjoy the one you’re in now.
Love your man and be his best friend.
Greet him when he returns home and focus on his needs.
Be irresistible and captivating to your husband.
Keep short accounts – seek and offer forgiveness.
Be humble.
Purposefully check your own attitudes – many problems begin with you.
Serve your husband and pray for him.
Remain playful!
Have a sense of humor.
From an older woman, married 55 years…
Continually ask yourself how you can make things easier for your husband.
Take the time to consider his life and schedule and determine how you can do things for him that show your care and concern and help to ease his burden.
Our society says to focus on your rights, yourself, and your needs first and foremost. Resist this with everything you have within you. Seek to serve others and follow God’s way!
Give your husband the respect he deserves as the head of your home.
Fulfill your duties within the home and make sure his needs are met.
Don’t neglect the basics: cooking meals, have clothes clean/ironed/available when they are needed, keep up on the house (picked up, clean, etc.)
Enjoy the husband God has given you!
From an older woman, married 39 years…
Study your husband, understand his needs, and ‘prepare a place’ (your home) for him. As an example, her husband grew up in a chaotic, unstable environment, and as an adult he needed order and structure in his home/life. She has worked to ‘prepare a place’ for him (their home) that provides that peace and comfort for him.
Prioritize your husband over your children.
From an older woman, married 30 years…
Pray together with your husband regularly!
Make sure that you spend time together with your husband in the bedroom!!
Respect your husband and his position as the head of your home.
Verbalize your appreciation to your husband, especially in front of the children! “I admire this about you…”
Remember what you loved and valued about him before you were married.
After being married awhile, you may find yourself ‘not appreciating’ the very qualities in your mate that you loved & valued prior to your marriage. He may feel the same about you! ) Choose to build him up — don’t tear him down. Appreciate how God has gifted him and how he is a blessing to your family.
We all come into marriage with ‘baggage’ that impacts how we interact with our husband and life in general. Work to unpack it, understand it, and if you’re stuck — seek help for yourself and your marriage…there is no shame there. Consider it coaching.
Remember Proverbs 15:1 – “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Believe the best about your husband, and appreciate his love for you.
From an older woman, married 51 years…
Know this…God is bigger than any problem you will ever have! Depend on Him and His Word for wisdom and strength.
Read and re-read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and see love in action. With regard to your husband – be love in action toward him!
Study your husband and learn his likes and dislikes. Focus on meeting his needs and pleasing him.
Stay in the present, and don’t dwell on the past.
Don’t expect him to be able to read your mind – tell him what you’re thinking.
You can only control/be responsible for yourself.
It’s like a tennis game … in it you play one side of the game on one side of the court. You don’t hit the ball over the net and then run over to the other side of the court to tell the other person how to hit the ball back to you, only to run back to receive the ball again. Stay on your side, focus on your part, play your game! Instead of continually focusing on the shortcomings of your husband and his need for improvement, limit your scrutiny to your own sinful heart and your growing relationship with God. Let your main focus be to become the godly woman He wants you to be, and let God do His transforming work in your husband’s heart and life.
Remember that you reap what you sow.
What would you like your relationship with your husband to look like now and years down the road? If you desire love, kindness, respect, humor, friendship, intimacy, honesty, service, etc. then plant those seeds in your relationship, and water them with your words and actions. (You can’t expect a harvest of blessing in your marriage when you are planting ‘destructive’ seeds in drought conditions.)
Acknowledgements to sources utilized in this handout:
The MacArthur New Testament Commentary – Titus
Feminine Appeal: Seven Virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother,
Carolyn Mahaney
Becoming a Titus 2 Woman, Martha Peace
Just the Two of Us, Les & Leslie Parrott
To the 6 lovely women who generously shared what ‘loving your husband’ means to them – thank you so much, I enjoyed our time together immensely!!
Recommended reading:
The Bible
The Excellent Wife, Martha Peace
Love and Respect, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
